The beginning of a new journey dedicated to my mom.

Last year on this day my world changed forever. I had spent the last 14 years being the full time care giver for my momma. Then on Father's Day 2014 she passed away from CHF.  Her heart put up a long fight but finally could not go on. She asked to be at home to for her final days and we brought her home to spend her last days. The week before she passed we spent a lot of time talking about the human soul. The fight that we all go through to find our balance and our salvation. We talked about religion, culture, history, mythology and legends. This was not something new, we have always been so open with this deep discussions. Our family always had such an unique open mindness and we talked about all types of what some families considered taboo.

But this conversation was different because we both knew that this was going to be our last conversation about these deep and personal about our beliefs, our souls and what we hoped would happen to each of us after we pass away. 

My mom was my best friend. I never imagined my life without being able to just talk to her every day. I never imagined the world, my world, without hearing her call me angel. When I was scared, when my social anxiety kicked in, when my worrisome nature felt overwhelming she was the one who knew what to say. She would stroke my hair and tell me how proud of me she was. Yes, even when I was an adult she did this. 
I have spent this last year working and helping others create their own visions and projects. This month alone I have been working on several productions, photo shoots, cons and private client creations. But my heart and my mind keep going back to the last deep discussion mommy and I had. The discussion about our souls, our fight to save the humanity in each of very own life, the meaning of it all. 

We talked on her last good day... Friday. Saturday she was incoherent, unable to speak except for the occasional cries for help. We lost her on Sunday morning at 2am. I have spent the last year trying to close my eyes without seeing her that Saturday. I know that unless you have been through it, you can not imagine how hard it was and still is. 

A few months ago I began my journey to try to not forget that Saturday but to overcome its saddness. I started focusing on our last talk. The talk that questioned and answered so many things. Her words still echo in my heart and the feelings of true friendship can still move me to tears..... Yes I am crying as I write this.

I have decided that our existence, our fight to save our humanity, to discover the secrets of our souls, and to overcome all the world throws at us will be inspiration for my next year. I am going to develop a series of photos to capture these themes. I want to tell these stories NOT just from one point of view, one cultural aspect, one point of history. Instead I want to explore these themes from mutiple cultures, myths, legends, and religions. I want to tell the story of the fight for humanity and the fight for our souls.

So I am working on getting my plans in order, anyone who knows me knows I have to have a plan. My goal to complete this series with the help and support of my group of talented friends by June 14, 2016 and then I want to produce a calendar with these images.

I will be journaling the experience here.

(Special note: I found this post difficult to write let alone publish. So for a while it will be saved as a draft. I have every intention to publish it, I just dont know if I can yet.)

Prayers, PittBulls, and Barley Green: Our Families Cancer Journey

Natural Healing and Cancer: My 1st Experience with Natural Healing

When I was 14 years old my mom developed a lump near her collar bone. At first she thought this was a goiter. But as time passed she became concerned by the rate of growth of this lump. After many months of denial and fear, she went to the doctor. They did a biopsy of this now large growth on her neck. I remember that mom and dad both tried to shield my sister and I from the events and their fears. That was until the day mom got her results back. 
I remember walking into the house after school to my grandma crying in the living room. She told us that mom had something to tell us and we were to go to our parents bedroom. My sister and I walked slowly down the hallway to the back bedroom where mom and dad were. We could hear sobs coming from behind the door. I think my sister knocked and suddenly the sobs stopped. Mom tried to mask the emotions in her voice as she gave us permission to enter. 

My mom has a baby. With my Grandma and Grandpa in 1947. Sorry mom for letting the world know your age. :) Love you!

As we walked into the room, I noticed dad wiping his eyes. Something I hardly ever saw was dad crying. Mom sat on the bed and motioned for us to join her. I don't think either me or my sister said a word. I do recall thinking that someone had died. I know that this was the feeling I remembered from when my grandma Marcene had passed away a few years before. 
Mom took a deep breath and then told us the new reality of her life. She had CANCER! I thought at that moment that my mom was going to die. I mean doesn't cancer mean death. At least to a naive 14 year old, whose only knowledge of cancer came when someone famous died from it, that is what it meant. 
Mom said she had an appointment with a surgeon for the very next day. They were going to remover her tumor. Her tumor! Oh my goodness, that sounded too scary! Surgery, cancer, tumor; These were probably the worse words I could ever imagine. 
The next day mom met with the local surgeon and they scheduled her surgery for just a few days later. They were going to cut her neck open and hopefully they would be able to get the whole tumor out. 
The day of the surgery arrived and mom refused to let my sister and I to go to the hospital. My dad and, I think, my older brother went with mom. But my sister and I went off to school as usual but nothing felt usual to me. 
The surgery did go well. The tumor was removed and sent off to a lab for further testing. Mom was allowed to come home the next day. Life carried on for the next week without much talk about what had happened. Part of me believed that this was over. That mom had all of the cancer removed and that our lives were going to be back to normal. Little did I know the next things to come. 

My mom with 2 of her younger sisters.

Mom was at work when she got the phone call, I remember that she had to be driven home by a coworker. She was home before we got home from school, which as a working mom that wasn't the norm. When we got home she was sitting in the living room with Grandma. (We lived with my Grandmother throughout my whole childhood.)

There were no tears, no sobs, just a silent uncomfortable feeling coming from them. Mom told us to sit down. NEVER A GOOD SIGN!

The doctor called and said that the tumor they removed was a secondary tumor and that she would have to have more tests to locate the primary tumor. She was going to a specialist. She told us not to worry that she was a fighter and that we all would be okay. Of course we wanted to believe her but it was hard when her words didn't sound too convincing. So mom started to make doctors appointments and I asked to go to the library. 

Why the library? Well, we didn't have computers, internet and so back then you went to the library to research things. And I was going to research Cancer and how to get rid of it. At least that was my goal. I checked out every book I could find and brought them home for mom and I to read. 

Mom went to her 1st specialist and was told she had squamous cell cancer. He told her that he thought the primary tumor was on her vocal chords and that she was going to have to have them removed. She would no longer be able to talk. I was not with her and dad when they were told this but I know it was very emotional for them both. Mom refused to schedule an appointment for this surgery. She came home and we found out that the best place to treat cancer in Missouri was up in Columbia near the Mizzou campus. So she made the appointment up there. It was a 3 hour drive but well worth it for a second opinion. 

The next weeks she and dad, sometime accompanied by myself, drove back and forth to Columbia. They did more tests and discovered that in fact she did not have squamous cell cancer but had malignant melanoma. A form of skin cancer that causes 75% of the deaths from skin cancer. She was told that she didn't have a very good survival chance. I think they told her something like a year or 18 months. They began to do test to locate the allusive primary tumor. 

As they began their work mom and I continued ours. We got books on alternative treatments for cancer patients. I remember one that told her every night to picture her white blood cells as pit bulls and in her mind to tell these pit bulls to attack the tumor. Since she was unsure where the tumor was, she would have these pit bulls start in her head and had them move down her body until the reached her toes. 

During this time the doctors up at Columbia said they thought they located her tumor in her chest. They began discussions of what to do next in her treatment. We were told that even if she went through chemo and radiation, her chances were not good.

So we put her on every prayer list we could. We prayed as a family and asked God for something that would give us more time. Then one day, while driving through town, we stopped at a new Natural Foods store. Mom and I went into the store and asked the guy behind the counter if there was anything that was good for cancer patients. He led us to a weird green powder, called Barley Green. He told us that he knew someone who said that this helped with his cancer experience. So mom bought it. Yes it was kind of expensive but if it helped, it was worth it. And at this point anything that may help was what we wanted. So mom began drinking barley green mixed in orange juice. She said that it tasted better in OJ. Apparently it is pretty yucky. But she drank it every morning and every night. 

All the time she continued her trips to and from Columbia. They wanted to start her treatments soon. But mom wanted more information. (I do not recommend not doing treatments but it was what mom decided for her situation)

So she waited, continued her appointments, her pit bull visual, and her barley green. After 3 months mom asked for a second scan. When the results came back the doctors were DUMBFOUNDED!

The tumor they said was in her chest 3 months ago was gone. But it was more than that. There was no sign of cancer. They checked her skin, had her do scans, and lots of blood work. And they found nothing! NOTHING!!!

Was this our miracle? Well, the doctors told us time would tell. They wanted mom to keep coming every month to get a new check up, scan and blood work. And she did. A year of monthly visits back and forth to Columbia. Yet nothing. 

Mom stopped taking the barley green around this time and stopped having her pit bulls attack the bad cells throughout her body. Our lives went back to normal, except once a month. After a year, NO SIGNS OF CANCER! The specialist in Columbia extended the time between the visits, now she had to go every 3 months.

After another year with no signs of cancer, they extended it again to every 6 months.

Another year and still no signs of cancer, extended to every year. 

Another year and still no signs of cancer. The specialist then released mom to her regular physician. They told her to be aware of her body and if she noticed any strange growths on or under her skin, she was to come back to Columbia.

Mom and Dad 2010

Mom was diagnosed with cancer in 1990. Today September 14, 2013 and still NO CANCER!!!! That is 23 years survival! 

I do not know if the our miracle occurred through prayer, Pitt bulls, or barley green. I like to believe that God gave us the combination of the 3.